


Soldier Poet King

by 48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abuse, Dad Cas, Dad Sam, Episode: s15e17 Unity, Fix-It, Gen, Sam is Jack's Dad, Spoilers, Trans Sam Winchester, autonomy, dean critical, i wrote this at 3 am and it is what it is, im still salty and bitter the sequel, meredith glynn is a gift, sam centric, this episode redeemed the entire season
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27278041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue/pseuds/48eyesand32teeth1sharptongue
Summary: Sometimes the things Sam wants to say are so important he can't voice them.
Relationships: Castiel/Sam Winchester, Jack Kline & Sam Winchester
Comments: 29
Kudos: 52





	1. Achilles Come Down

**Author's Note:**

> look i got nothing all I have to say is: 
> 
> Sam Dad moments
> 
> Jack
> 
> Cas Sam moments
> 
> ALSO Sam standing up to Dean planning on letting Jack sacrifice himself and BODYTACKLING HIM???? AND PUNCHING THE GUN HAND???
> 
> I'm LIVING!!!!!
> 
> also i predicted an aspect s15 entirely by accident in 2018-2019 in my dumb unfinished longfic but in the most backwards roundabout way with Amara and Chuck in an entirely opposite fashion with me revising s11 and i don't really know how that happened but amara's character was really cool this season and I have ideas now, but im gonna blame it on foreshadowing
> 
> also rachel miner was back!!!!!!!!!
> 
> fic title a song by the Oh Hellos
> 
> chapter title a song by Gang of Youths
> 
> also i might be very gung ho for arguably the most watered down rebellion for sam ever, but this show barely gives us crumbs literally ever, so just having sam be involved and having lines and his own scenes and motives that make sense and saying no and fighting dean is a LOT with the way the show shoves sam and dean codependency down our throats and sam submitting to dean's judgement (except when he crosses too many lines with jack which has been the exception 80% of the time,) even when it doesn't suit the narrative with certain characterizations imo. im amazed we got this much.

Jack is family.

Jack is his child.

And like Hell Sam is going to let anything happen to him ever again.

He might not be able to talk Dean down, no matter how much he tries.

But he's not leaving Jack to the wolves.

Not again.

He can't watch him die again, not by his own hand or anyone else's.

(He can't abandon Jack to the dark because he doubted his own heart and substituted it for his brother's selfishness and rage.)

(It's another sin Sam will not forgive himself for, but he used to pushing through, and blaming himself after the battle is won.)

And the battle is now, when Sam stares down his brother's gun and begs him to choose different.

Not just in choice, in them, in their family, in each other...

But in the ones Sam would die for, the people Sam loves more than himself, the kid he thinks deserves it more than anyone else.

(Jack is a child. Jack has always been a child with too much on his shoulders, and too much blame and hurt and rage directed at him from a world that would let him burn.)

And Sam will keep him safe. Even if he doesn't know how to stop it.

Sam is used to impossible odds.

Sam is used to a chessboard set long before he got there.

(Sam still can barely say Lucifer's name, the words breaking in his throat, as he begs his brother to understand two contradictory truths:

Dean has always tried to protect him.

His protection leads to blame and pain and loss, except when they choose to act together. When they are working on the same page, and not against each other.

Dean doesn't protect people when he stops seeing them as what he wants.

But Sam can survive that. Sam always has.

And if he has to appeal to Dean wanting to protect himself, into the ideas of protecting everyone else when Dean doesn't care anymore...

If he has to let Dean think he's been a protector that has done his job when Sam never asked for it, when Sam has suffered the consequences as much as that possessive love he's always become used to and taken comfort in even as he feels like he doesn't always remember who he is, making his brother his rock for that rock to be more fragile than it thinks...)

(Sam thinks of Castiel, saying, your mind is true, you aren't insane, when Sam has had his life be a house of mirrors and actors tugging him every which way to match their war, when Sam has had his soul and mind and self torn to pieces and put back together and torn apart again by other bodies and minds and beings taking him for a spin-)

And Sam thinks, he is strong enough for this.

He knows what is right. He knows his choice.

And he's not going to let Chuck have this, or Dean, or Billie.

He's not going to let Jack drown in it all.

Not this time.

Not ever again.

And if he has to take a bullet, or rip the gun out of Dean's hand once it's found it's way in there again, just like last time...

Then Sam can withstand it.

And when they've found an out, another way, a way out the other side, however illusory it may be...

Then Sam will take Jack out into the free air, and tell him he's his son, and he's not going to let anything happen to him ever again.

That he is loved.

That he has nothing to atone for.

That being brave doesn't mean it all should rest on the bloody hands of a child, from all the cruel beings, god or mortal, who tried to kill him, and make him think he deserved it.

Sam will tell Jack, he has always deserved better, and this time...

This time, they'll have that.

If it's the last thing Sam chooses.

Because Jack matters, to him, to Cas, and that should be enough.

That it is enough, because Sam will make it enough.

Love is the only thing you have, when forgiveness feels hollow and unreal and blame won't stop hanging from your shadow, however unasked for and unbidden and how much it haunts your nightmares.

And Sam will let Jack see that he doesn't have to be anything other people ask of him.

That he can exist, and live, and be free to laugh and cry and feel in any way he chooses, and that just existing is worth it.

That Jack deserves to have a chance, and Sam will carve it out of everyone who made him think he was unworthy every step of the way.

(And Sam will stare down his brother, for all the ways he said he was never enough, for all the ways he promised it has never been like that ever, for every lie and excuse and desperate attempt to hold on when Sam isn't sure he wants him to because he doesn't recognize Dean much anymore, that he isn't sure he likes what he is choosing to be, but he'll beg and reason and argue every side if it means he can find anything of the brother he knows that could be left. Because that's what not giving up on family means, even when Sam has to be the one giving the reminders.)

And Sam says, Trust me.

Trust me, like he did once, before the Apocalypse that sent everything truly spinning out of control, the first big climax they half gave Chuck what he wanted and then robbed him of.

Trust me, in all the ways Dean didn't.

In all the ways Dean condemns those he considers monsters, beyond help.

Trust me, in the way Dean chose to make Sam and Cas an exception, that Sam would make him see Jack as an exception, because if Dean was going to steal Sam's choices than Sam would steal that one right back and never, ever give it away.

Jack was his to keep safe.

And Sam will make sure that Jack thinks he can keep himself safe, because he knows, for all any attempts at protection, you can't take that away from yourself.

That at the end of the line, yourself is all you have to hold your head above water, and if you don't think you're worth saving you can't claw yourself back from the abyss.

Dean tried to protect Sam, and Sam was grateful for feeling like it meant something, for when it kept him afloat when he didn't know himself, even for all the betrayals and times that broke him even further, for the unforgiveable things they never talk about.

But Sam knows all too well what trying to protect someone for your own sake versus for what they choose, what they want, for their sake, and won't let it twist this into something that would break Jack like it broke Dean and has Sam on the other end of the trigger.

(Dean says he's doing this for them, that this is the price of protection, of peace.

But he isn't.

And peace isn't worth the price paid in the blood of innocents Sam hasn't been able to keep safe.)

Peace isn't worth Jack.

Victory isn't worth Jack, or any other person who would pay the price of choosing the easy way out than the road they have always tried to take.

The road they choose, the road they carved out with their own pain and sacrifice and an impala from a history that kept them as much an experiment under a microscope as much as Baby was a universal constant, a home and place to hide when nothing else was stable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway anyone notice how the trust me line mirrored S4? because i might be rambling and incoherent but there was so much in this ep!!!!
> 
> also i need to write Jack being safe and protected now and I hope Sam wrecks Billie and gets his child back
> 
> also I'm not sure if son should be the right word for Jack since canonically he's nonbinary according to the lil sheet he filled out but idk if it's a he/him nonbinary designation or not
> 
> also just to clarify you know when someone is abusive/unhealthy/toxic but you haven't cut them off and need to appeal to their good side to get to moderately nontoxic stuff that sometimes occurs in between? yeah Sam is appealing to that in this im apologizing for nothing dean pointed a gun at him and physically attacked him and sam defended jack from Dean the same way he did from Lucifer and the parallels write themselves.
> 
> just because Sam loves his brother doesn't mean he isn't mistreated or stuck in a toxic dynamic and while I think the writers don't know how to get out of toxic relationships or just are writing fiction so they don't care about how it comes across to people who've been in bad relationships with family, but im writing this as an abuse cycle
> 
> also Lucifer and Chuck are super abusive to Sam, but that doesn't mean Dean isn't abusive to Sam too even if he does defend him from them (let's not touch all the gadreel stuff with a ten foot pole though)
> 
> is this super relevant? eh. but idk if my context was clear enough, but Sam got himself out of his own suffering and took responsibility for his actions and believed in something and wants to make a kinder and more empathetic and good world, and just because he has to rationalize (barely present or very inadequate or arguably dynamics that make the toxicity more toxic over time due to framing) help and support from Dean and Cas and other people in those situations he found himself in doesn't change the fact he chose another way in S5 and later seasons and has been doing that ever since (barring S14 with the box but that's when he followed Dean after self-doubt was a major theme) and this is Sam saying fuck that noise with the doubt like S14 post-Malakh box and this season because he knows what's right and he knows he can act and he's gonna do that
> 
> but also on an entirely personal and heavy level i wish people would take into account that in a bad abuse situation, you can definitely tell certain types of abusive people (who you think may harm you if you say the wrong thing) that they love and want to protect you, it's a deflection/minimization/de-escalation tactic for when you are trapped with abusive people and can't get out yet and need to be appealing to their ego/better nature that is conditional, particularly in enmeshment situations. it's also part of the minimization if you gaslight yourself to protect yourself in that dynamic, and while definitely a double-edged and painful tactic interally and doesn't always work, definitely something used as a coping mechanism to get through stuff, and i wish ppl could see that in this because it's clear to me that's the sam and dean dynamic because sam never got out of an unhealthy situation b/c the show doesn't let him. and the show paints it as love and stuff but tbh i don't think the writers see or comprehend the gravity of the real dynamic they write now, or the double standard is a narrative theme that's deliberate. idk anymore it's hard to tell seeing as the show got popularized by the dynamic and post s5 dean's character went from kind of moving in a certain direction, regressing, and then seeming to do better and then it got scrapped by s8 onwards for dean's self righteousness and anger issues to become the moral crux of the plotlines due to how the writer's write his pov. which is a shame for dean because while dean was very toxic in parts of s1-s5, by the end of s5 he'd at least started to see sam as his own person and stepped back a bit until it all fell apart later. s5 ended in respect and real love and not some twisted bs. post that, it got twisted due to the framing and the way the writers decided to keep writing dean...  
> anyway im gonna get off my soapbox now. night.


	2. Change The World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what this is yet, stream of conciousness, idk, I just didn't feel like making another fic when this is still dealing with 15x17.
> 
> ideally the rest of this fic will be a little more coherent with me not writing at 4 am but honestly who cares I'm just glad I could write something and im trying to get my mojo back
> 
> chapter title a song cover by noah hawley and jeff russo (from the legion ost)

Sam and John rarely ever saw eye to eye.

But the one thing Sam knows he drilled into his and Dean's head, is that you never point a gun at someone if you don't intend to use it.

Not just use it, but ensure that it hits the mark and killed the monster you needed it to.

That's just how the world always was. 

And the fact it's not the first time Sam has faced down a lethal weapon in Dean's grip doesn't make the situation easier to stomach.

Even if Dean would rather Jack sacrifice himself so he can wash his hands of the blood and say it wasn't half his fault because he wanted to follow the script and see Jack gone to make amends, even if he would deny it.

Dean said it himself, he didn't think Jack was family.

And he's been willing to shed the blood of the people he claims to love above it all, above himself, that he considers family, that Sam can't take the threat for anything but what it is at face value.

If he's willing to hurt Sam, has hurt him and Cas, he'd let Jack suffer anything he deemed a worthy cost (only the veneer of pretend that he's conflicted about it might break, perhaps).

Another fact of life is that Sam is used to appeasing powerful, violent people with what they want to hear while plotting his escape.

He's grown very, very good at faking placations.

At knowing how to negotiate things while thinking of every time he let some new lie cross his tongue because the truth would get him nowhere.

(Sam is tired, of all the lies he has to pretend at truths to think he might have some semblance of temporary safety, because, for all the ways he's tried to survive, the fact is once he rose his brother was one of the few tethers he had left, however frayed and one sided.)

(People can love you and still break you beyond recognition. Sam knows that all too well.

That's how he mustered the courage to leave the first time, even if he's never been able to stay away since.)


	3. Sweep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Cas and Jack living their best lives out at Bobby's house or something idk yet but right now it's pretty much just angst.
> 
> this is a wip I can't write for anything today but I wanted to start this chapter and i'll fix it later
> 
> slight S15 spoilers but then I hack them to pieces and throw them in the shredder to do what I want
> 
> chapter title a song by Blue Foundation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more finale venting:
> 
> I think I'm also so angry at the finale because Sam, if he was going to be free, didn't deserve to have Dean die. Not just because of Dean, but because you shouldn't feel like you are free from pressure from your abuser to live your life only when they are dead. 
> 
> Like. Don't get me wrong, distaste towards Dean aside, I didn't want him dead, I wanted him to change and also be left behind and forced to live with that for the rest of his life. And I knew the show would never give me any kind of story that tied up how abusive Dean was and continued to be. But I thought... idk I think part of it is whiplash. Because the show spent so much time propping Dean's worst decisions and cruelties up as righteous and good and all in the name of family, and then it goes lol you thought we'd forgotten about Sam but does it in such a way that felt insulting to everyone Sam cared about and without giving any real focal point to Sam. It was just... not detail oriented or showing Sam having agency in a way that felt concrete. It just wrote his loved ones we knew out of the narrative into the ether and didn't give anything back with the people he did latch on to. And Sam deserved to have a fully realized life that we got to see if they were going to do that. Idk I'm still mad Cas and Jack and Sam didn't meet back up and at least chill if they all got to be alive.
> 
> (but most of my personal angst is how people are acting like that's a well rounded ending for Sam when he didn't get any meat despite getting the best outcome out of the four of them. which isn't saying much because the others got pretty much nothing.)

It's Sam who has the idea to try to settle down. Cas would like to, but still thinks it's best if they move around to evade any attempts at tracking.

Sam, however, knows when you need to stop running. Otherwise you just feel like that's all you have.

\--

Deciding that Bobby's Salvage was the place to go wasn't easy. Sam knows Dean might look there.

But legally, it was left to him. Whatever that might count for.

And part of Sam just wants to latch on to something familiar as he tries to find a way for him and Cas and Jack to try and live a normal life.

\--

Jack still is too quiet. He's been healing, the aftermath of absorbing Chuck's power and then giving it back to Amara to let her be God. (He didn't want to go away. He still has nightmares about it- because, for all the security of omniscience and power and being on top of the food chain, some part of that feels like it rips parts of him away. Asks him to be something he doesn't want to be.)

And none of them- not Sam, not Cas, and not him- wanted Jack to choose something he felt forced into. He deserved to choose.

They all did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway Sam is a bi trans icon and that will never change
> 
> but more venting, they still somehow managed to do him wrong and sour his ending despite giving him the best outcome and it felt like they were going... Conform to this Ideal of Middle Class America or else, and appear to be this thing you clearly aren't coded for on a surface level because we're not giving anyone anything, not you, not Cas, not Jack, and not Dean except this empty hollow platitude of something with a veneer of love and care when all it is Sam losing people. And sam's wife and kid didn't even get to talk or be realized as people for Sam to connect with narratively on his own terms. they gave us pretty much nothing.
> 
> anyone else get that vibe?
> 
> but anyway, at least Jack resurrected Cas and got to be with him and he didn't feel pressure to resurrect Dean. After everything Dean did to Jack that at least has rights because Jack deserves the world and owes Dean nothing. And Cas owes him nothing, too.


End file.
